How to "Tune In" to the Other Person

Personality type will impact the effectiveness of communication between many types of people. However, the greater the perceived “inequality” in a relationship (such as when one person perceives the other to wield more power or authority), the less likely it is that the “weaker” of the two will demand the kind of information and attitude that they need. This is commonly seen in the exam room where clients look up to the doctor and medical staff and may be hesitant to ask for what they really need in the way of communication.

This makes it all the more important that you tune into your clients’ communication needs. Most of the time this will mean talking with clients in a manner consistent with their preferred communication style, not yours. Now that you’ve identified your own style, here are some questions that will help you tune into other people’s preferred styles or needs in the moment. For better communication, learn to pick up and respond to the personality type cues that other people are exhibiting.
 

1. What do you notice about the way the other person is talking?

Extraverts tend to talk relatively quickly and to think out loud, while Introverts tend to be more sparing in their speech and to pause before answering questions.

✱ Cues that you are talking to someone who prefers Extraversion: Eye contact is usually direct and intense; may not review advance materials and, even if he or she did, still wants to “hear it from the horse’s mouth”; participates freely in conversation and discussions with different team members; may interrupt others frequently; may be challenged by listening skills; interacts with others while in the waiting area.

✱ Cues that you are talking to someone who prefers Introversion: Eye contact may be infrequent; will probably have studied any advance materials and come prepared having completed any required paperwork; may pause before they react to a comment; may prefer a one-on-one relationship with a single doctor in the practice; waits quietly for his or her appointment, perhaps reading available literature.
 

2. What kinds of questions is he or she asking?

Clients preferring Sensing are more likely to ask for details and want step-by-step explanations. Clients preferring Intuition are more likely to want to understand the broad implications for the future. Here are some additional cues to watch for related to Sensing and Intuition:

✱ Cues you are talking to someone who prefers Sensing: May ask LOTS of detailed questions; asks for facts, concrete examples, and about your experience; uses words like “facts,” “statistics,” “history,” “experience,” etc; may appear resistant to change; takes a sequential approach to gathering and processing information.

✱ Cues you are talking to someone who prefers Intuition: Seems frustrated or bored by detail if there is no “big picture”; may have difficulty explaining “how they know what they know”; wants to start with “cosmic significance” then move to detail; becomes irritated at detailed questions; uses words like “gut,” “hunch,” “intuition,” etc.

 3. What criteria is he or she using for making decisions?

What do you sense he or she wants from you as a human being? In decision-making, clients with a preference for Thinking naturally lean toward logic, cause and effect reasoning, and objective evidence. They also tend to prefer an objective, impersonal approach and may be irritated by what they see as being too “touchy-feely.” Clients preferring Feeling will favor the implications for themselves and those close to them when making decisions and will tend to want some kind of personal connection. They will also value attempts to understand how they are feeling.
Here are some additional cues to watch for related to Thinking and Feeling:

✱ Cues you are talking to someone who prefers Thinking: Asks about the logic of your recommendations and decisions; can appear distant; wants to be clear about your policies and procedures; uses words like “logical,” “fair,” “defensible,” etc; has relatively low need for praise and/or acknowledgement; uses phrases like “I think,” or “that makes/doesn’t make sense.”

✱ Cues you are talking to someone who prefers Feeling: May have a “soft” quality to eye contact; interested in honoring other people’s values and priorities; may be uncomfortable around and avoid conflict; conveys an interpersonal warmth that draws others; uses phrases like “my feeling is” or “I feel that…”

4. How quickly does he or she want to make a decision?

Clients who prefer Judging are more comfortable when everything is decided, will tend to decide quickly, and focus more on the outcome.Those who prefer Perceiving are likely to ask for more information, be reluctant to decide, may change their minds, and are more interested in the process. Here are some additional cues to watch for related to Judging and Perceiving:

✱ Cues you are talking to someone who prefers Judging: Expresses concern over schedules, timetables, and follow-through; wants to know who will be doing what; may rush to make decisions; becomes frustrated if things begin or end late; will learn from your experience and advice; communicates update information frequently; wants things planned.

✱ Cues you are talking to someone who prefers Perceiving: Relatively unconcerned about when things start and end; wants to defer decisions; wants to explore every possible option and gather more and more information; seems to prefer talking to action or “doing;” will learn from doing things on their own; communicates on a need-to-know basis.

Flex Your Approach
Being aware of type provides a useful framework for recognizing your own individual preferences and also points to specific strategies for effective communication with others. Although it can sometimes be challenging to communicate even with clients who share type preferences that are similar to your own, the real challenge comes when a client’s preferred communication style differs significantly from yours. It’s at these times that having the ability to adjust to meet the client’s needs and “speak their language” can make all the difference.

Here are some communication strategies to use when you want to “flex” your own style to connect with clients with differing type preferences:
 

Communicating with Extraverted Clients
“Let’s talk this over.”
❖ Project energy and enthusiasm.
❖ Use nonverbal behavior effectively (eg, lean forward, nod, smile, and maintain eye contact).
❖ Respond immediately to questions, comments, etc.
❖ Emphasize action.
❖ Allow plenty of discussion time for “thinking out loud” and to help get past any initial resistance to an idea.
 

Communicating with Introverted Clients
“I need to think about this.”
❖ Allow them advance notice and time for prior thought if possible.
❖ Don’t expect an immediate reaction—give them time to reflect and consider things.
❖ Practice active listening skills.
❖ Don’t be unnerved by pauses before they respond to something you say or ask. Above all, resist the urge
to interrupt them, to rush in while they are pausing, or to complete their sentences.
❖ Think before speaking or let them know that you are thinking out loud.
 

Communicating with Sensing Types
“Just the facts, please.”
❖ Go into detail, give plenty of facts and evidence, and don’t skip over things.
❖ Begin with an explicit statement of the problem or issue and have a definite plan of action.
❖ Emphasize tangible results (especially near-term as opposed to far in the future).
❖ Don’t become frustrated or see it as resistance when they ask lots of questions and want lots of detail.
❖ Remember that errors of fact will destroy your credibility.
 

Communicating with Intuitive Types
“I can see it all now.”
❖ State the main idea first—know what your main point is.
❖ Begin with the big picture, then proceed to the details.
❖ Get their attention with the broad implications and longterm possibilities.
❖ Emphasize concepts and general ideas and avoid getting bogged down in too many details.
❖ Discuss any novel, unusual, or innovative approaches that could be considered.
 

Communicating with Thinking Types
“Is this logical?”
❖ Get straight to the point; be as brief and concise as you can and support your recommendations with logical reasoning and clear thinking.
❖ Focus on clear goals and objectives and demonstrate your competence.
❖ Present advantages and disadvantages, including all known pros and cons.
❖ Use logical, not emotional, arguments; play to the head, not the heart.
❖ Demonstrate how your clinical judgment is consistent with similar cases and show the fairness and even-handedness of your policies and procedures.

Communicate with Feeling Types
“Will anyone be hurt?”
❖ Take time to get to know them and develop rapport. They will be most amenable to guidance and influence if they like you as a person.
❖ Use personal anecdotes and examples, and let them know some personal details about you.
❖ Avoid critiquing and evaluating when you are listening.
❖ Include their needs and values as criteria in making recommendations.
❖ Remember that you cannot “logic them into submission.”
 

Communicating with Judging Types
“Just do something.”
❖ Be prompt and punctual.
❖ Be sure you are well-organized in your presentation; let them know your plan, and follow it; be sure to begin at the beginning and end at the end.
❖ Be decisive, not wishy-washy; draw conclusions.
❖ Emphasize schedules, deadlines, and timetables (but remember you will be held to them).
❖ Follow through on your commitments or you will lose credibility.
 

Communicating with Perceiving Types
“Let’s wait and see.”
❖ Present things in tentative, modifiable form; present options. Let them draw the conclusions.
❖ Avoid deadlines if possible, and don’t press them for an immediate decision unless absolutely necessary.
❖ Follow up, since they are not always proactive with updates and may need a gentle nudge once they’ve had plenty of time to make up their minds.
❖ Be flexible—listen for new information and be prepared to change your plan if warranted.
❖ Remember that they lose interest if they are simply “talked at” and aren’t involved.