Nonverbal Communication & the Power of Interactions

As an intuitive person, I’ve often had the experience of knowing something without a clue of how I know it! As a counselor, I became familiar with and dependent on the sense of who in my practice was really ill, and who just needed some education and support. This “sense” usually hit me about 10 seconds into my first visit with a client. I could never analyze my certainty in concrete terms, but it was powerful and it was usually true.

The more that I studied communication and how human beings bridge the gap between two or more personal realities, the more fascinated I became not with what we say, but in the power of what we don’t say. The old maxim that actions speak louder than words rings true throughout almost every interaction we have with other living beings. Think about how your dog lets you know it’s happy to see you or wants to play. Those dancing feet, a waggling tail and doggy grin leaves no doubt in our minds of what our four-legged friend is telling us.

So, building on the knowledge of our dog’s ability to convey messages to us, how do we know when our spouse or partner is listening to us? Slowly turning pages of the newspaper with eyes scanning columns doesn’t do it for most of us, no matter what our dear one claims!

Or, let’s examine when we feel most “heard” by a doctor? Most likely, it is when that kindly professional sits attentively across from us, eyes on ours, nodding appropriately and consistently while we talk. She doesn’t have to say a word!

We seem to be creatures who long to see others mirror our significance in the ways that they interact with us. Do we do this consciously? Probably not. Are we aware of what it is that others do that makes us feel valued (or not)? Again, I suspect not. But whether or not we can describe WHY we know it, we usually never doubt our knowing. This is the power of nonverbal communications; the subtle, mostly automatic, but genuine way we communicate our authentic emotions and viewpoints to other human beings.

Although older research indicated that nonverbal interactions colored up to 75 to 80 percent of our communication, newer research now indicates that nonverbal cues have more than four times the effect of verbal cues. Given a mismatch between verbal and nonverbal messages, our brain usually tends to believe the nonverbal, which is why it is so important to think about consistency in message. The science behind the study of nonverbal communication is vast and deep, and worthy study for anyone involved in customer service, or should I say, in communicating with any living being! We can also study at the four feet of the masters of nonverbal communication, the family canine!

Selecting books in the realm of non-verbal communication is like trying to find something to eat in a well-stocked pantry. There is so much available, it is difficult to choose just a few. Here are three of my favorites (see the top three book reviews on the right side), but I urge you to venture out into the myriad of intriguing literature that make up this discipline.