Editor’s Letter

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“Dr. Ruby, there’s obviously nothing I can do to help you see that I’m a good person and that I do care about our clients. I just made a simple mistake. Why won’t you believe me?”

As I stared at the employee sitting in the chair, I had several thoughts at once.

The business woman in my head thought, “Because this is the third time we’re talking about the exact same situation—that’s why. This wasn’t a simple mistake, but a pattern of behavior that has to stop.” Meanwhile, my ego chimed in with unhelpful thoughts like, “How dare you question me! Your manipulative tactics won’t work with me.”

Fortunately, one of the voices in my head was that of the trained communicator. This voice said, “Easy, slow down. Where did we veer off track?”

I ran toward that voice with the speed of a drowning person swimming toward a life preserver, because that’s exactly what it was. This was a crucial conversation and I needed to use some intentional skills to save us both.

Crucial conversations are those where the stakes run high, opinions and perceptions are varied, and emotions run strong.1 With all three of these boxes checked in my mind, I realized immediately that the woman sitting across from me was frightened, agitated, and feeling “unsafe” in the midst of this conversation. I needed to restore a sense of safety and mutual regard.

I took a deep breath and shifted in my seat. “Okay Mary, I’m sorry if our conversation felt like an attack. That wasn’t my intent. I’ve shared what I saw happen in this situation. Would you tell me how it looks from your perspective?”

The woman across from me slumped and her face softened. Her eyes stopped staring defiantly at me. She began to share her story. I listened. I clarified when needed. I attempted to show curiosity rather than frustration.

By the end of our discussion, I’d heard her out and made sure she knew it was her behavior that was being called into question, not her worth as a human being. By letting her talk and truly hearing her, I built a bridge between us that made it possible for her to hear my concerns. It didn’t end perfectly, but the conversation did end constructively. I whispered thanks to the trained communicator voice in my head and told the other two to go sit in the corner.

What crucial conversations are you avoiding or fumbling through right now? If you’re like most of us, such conversations happen at least daily, whether we go looking for them or not. Knowing how to stop, reset, and listen are three skills among many that you’ll learn in this issue of EVT. We bring you this effective life preserver issue just as we begin the New Year. We want it to start out right—for all of us!

Best wishes in the New Year,

Kathleen Ruby, PhD
Editor in Chief

1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. Patterson K, Grenny J, McMillan R, Switzler A—New York: McGraw-Hill. June, 2002