We Need to Talk About This!

• What's Going on Here? (168.5 KB)

Mary has enjoyed working at Great Lakes Pet Hospital for 8 years. As a technician, she hopes to be promoted to head technician soon. However, Mary has problems controlling her temper and has had arguments with other staff members because she lets frustration build and then reacts negatively. Recently, Mary has been getting irritated with Erica, a new technician; Erica works efficiently but is often on the phone, texting or talking, instead of helping with clinic duties. Mary knows her frustration is building, but doesn’t know how to positively handle the situation.

Called the “fierce” or “crucial” conversation, most of us would rather have our toenails extracted than have a conversation with someone who frustrates us. Instead of letting frustration build or venting to others, choose the path—the conversation—that takes skill, practice, and determination.

The first step is self-preparation (Sidebar). Once you're prepared, take deep breaths, be calm, and have that conversation.

1. Open the conversation: Thank your colleague for agreeing to meet.Talk about the behaviors or actions that frustrate you. Ask your colleague to share her perspective. Listen to each other’s viewpoints.

2. Explore new territory: You will likely both discover novel perspectives on the situation. Attempt to see the situation from the other’s point of view to find common ground.

3. Affirm new understanding: Now that you have explored the situation from different vantage points, discuss mutual discoveries. Validate your colleague’s position; thank her for being willing to help you understand her behavior.

4. Move to action: Mutually design “next steps” to improve or solve the challenge or difficulty. Invite your colleague to suggest solutions. Find mutually acceptable middle ground.

5. Finish clearly: Determine who will do what by when. Set a date for follow-up to ensure that progress is being made.

6. CAUTION: If the discussion becomes destructive or either party appears to feel threatened, embarrassed, or shamed, calmly call a “timeout.” If the conversation becomes too “hot,” take a break and decide to reconvene when composure is regained.

Personal Preparation
Identify assumptions & judgments: We tend to draw negative conclusions based on our own history or experience. Examine your response—are you contributing to the problem?

Envision the best possible outcome: How would you like the relationship with your colleague to evolve? Contemplate what you don’t want to happen as a result of your conversation. Identify your goals—are they realistic?

Attempt to see the “other side:” Most people do not try to purposely frustrate or anger colleagues. Try to imagine how a coworker views her behavior or actions.

Make your decision: Make an appointment to talk with your colleague. Think through how to approach the discussion in order to arrive at the best outcome.