Congratulations! Your Baby Arrived...
A healthy, happy baby.
The most recent statistics show that 80% of women in the United States will eventually give birth. Most will do so before the age of 30. If one extrapolates these statistics to the modern veterinary profession, one will discover thousands of new moms trying to balance the demands of a newborn infant or young child with the demands of a veterinary practice.
Think about it.The average age for a female graduating from veterinary school is 28.There you are; right in the middle of your prime childbearing years superimposed on the beginning of your veterinary career.
Working as an associate at a veterinary clinic; raising a child and running a household. Both are demanding, full-time jobs.
It is not surprising, therefore, that not long after graduation many women veterinarians begin to think about disengagement from the full-time employment track and start the process of dismantling their professional and, subsequently, financial lives.
Unfortunately for us, it is women, not men, who will ultimately pay the price for this early professional exit. We will find ourselves with shockingly lower lifetime earnings (to the tune of hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars in lost wages), paltry portfolios, and nonexistent, financial safety nets.
For the many women who leave the profession permanently to have children, and even for those who remain part-time, the uncomfortable reality is that the major financial and physical burden of raising these children will eventually become ours in 50% of our partnerships. The primary breadwinner of the marriage in most divorces does not end up with the children; five out of six of women will end up with primary custody of their children.
If you don’t think you are going to be the one in two to divorce (and who of us would actually admit that we are among the 50% who will be doomed to marital failure?), think about the other ways your primary breadwinning spouse or partner can exit unexpectedly. Loss of Job. Addiction. Adultery. Alcoholism. Disability. Disease. Death. All of these exits boil down to the same common denominator: the income from your partner is at least dramatically reduced or often gone completely.
It’s stunning. Women who have stepped out of the working world to raise children often – very often -- end up with the financial burden of supporting themselves and their children on their own salary, if they even have one. Additionally, they end up with the sole responsibility for securing their own benefits and retirements.
Is that fair?
I say, starting from the beginning, we, as women and mothers, need to take part of the blame.
Let’s talk about “gate keeping” as one part. This is a phrase coined by lawyer and author, Rhona Mahony, of Kidding Ourselves: Breadwinning, Babies, and Bargaining Power (a book I would highly recommend for any veterinarian mother to help her understand the dynamics of why we end up in the house and kitchen, and basically broke). Ms. Mahony says that we, as women and mothers, often prevent our relationship with spouses from a full partnership through our self-imposed gate keeping -- the unconscious, yet active, prevention of allowing our spouses/partners to truly take on child care or household responsibilities. We end up performing the daily or even hourly household chores and activities on the false premise that “only we, and not our partners/spouses, are able to perform these duties correctly." We essentially let our spouses “babysit” rather than “parent” as an example.
Ms. Mahony has a valid premise.
I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in a play group with other mothers and heard them say, “My husband could never take care of the baby. He pays no attention to the details. He doesn’t heat the formula correctly. The peas aren’t mashed to the correct consistency.The diapers were thrown into the trash can instead of the designated diaper bag. How can he do that? He didn’t wipe the baby’s bottom with the aloe wipes. Instead he used the regular wipes. Can you believe that?” Other mothers chime in with their own tales of their husbands’ domestic inadequacies.
It didn’t stop there. The complaint list went on to include the rest of the household chores. “He didn’t load the dishwasher the correct way. The dust was not vacuumed appropriately from the dining room chandelier and he never empties the dust container anyway. The recycling was not separated into glass and plastic. Bobby’s lunch had only four instead of five recommended food groups in it. The sneakers he dressed Sally in did not match the ribbons in her hair." And on, and on, and on.
You end up saying: “I’ll just do it myself.” What do you think our partners/spouses are saying to this?
They reply,“You are right, honey. I can’t do it a well as you. You are a brilliant mother and a wonderful homemaker. I will leave those jobs to you while I go back to work and earn the family income. I do that well and I enjoy it. You do your job well and enjoy it too. You think your way is right and I don’t intend to argue.”
What is implicit in this is: men do not measure success by how dry the baby’s bottom is. Men measure it by income earned. Motherhood and homemaking are economically worthless jobs in that a woman (or a man) is paid nothing for doing them. Why would a man want to participate in that; especially at the expense of his career? A woman may continue to be wife and mother and basically hope that he doesn’t leave (which at least 50% of the time is misplaced hope). In the meantime, a man will continue to earn money, move up the career ladder, secure his retirement, and know that if the marital ship sinks, he will be okay. A man will land on his feet, financially speaking. Women will fall on their faces. Modern statistics support this.
We ignore the real-life implication of his words – “I’ll just go to work” --and carry on.
Nothing could be more fatal to our economic security.
I suggest that what we should be doing is letting (or insisting) that our spouses/partners take on regular child care and household responsibilities without criticism, nagging, or fault finding. Let’s be realistic here. It doesn’t take a degree in macroeconomics to change a diaper, mix formula, or figure out daily activities for young children. In fact, it takes no degree at all. So what if he feeds them cold formula? The baby got a meal, right? Who cares if the child went to school with mismatched socks. Her feet were covered. If he stacks the dishes in the dishwasher incorrectly then it simply means that he needs to run five loads just to get them all cleaned. You think he won’t figure out, quickly, what a waste of time poorly-stacked dishes are? He’s not stupid.
Your partner may say, “I do chores. I mow the lawn. I take care of the cars. I clean the gutters. I take the trash out on trash day.” But think about that. Those are all chores which can be postponed for a week, a month, even years. Try postponing feeding the baby for even 10 minutes past when she expects it; or changing her diaper; or washing the dishes.
If we continue to perform all of the regular, daily, and hourly child care and household chores for our spouse/partner what motivation would there be for him to learn to do them or to increase his efficiency?
So, stop the gate keeping. Instead, spend the time saved advancing your career or managing your portfolio. Attend an investing class, meet with friends to look for real estate investment opportunities, take classes at a local college. If he is in charge of the children, leave him alone. Leave the house if you can.
Even better, leave the house for work. Go back to your full time job, or at least to part-time or relief work.
Ultimately, in avoiding gate keeping, women are avoiding that most fiscally dangerous fate of all…leaving the profession entirely to raise children. The veterinary medical profession is ever changing in scope and dynamics. In order to stay abreast of new techniques, drugs, procedures, technology, and surgeries, one has to be physically engaged in the practice of the trade. The veterinary profession does not lend itself well to multiple years of absence while raising children.
In other words, be smart. Let him actively parent by himself (he can do it!) and use the time away from the children to your financial advantage. If he can do it, so can you.
