How to Handle an Office Crush

Dear Dr. Ruby:

The vet I work for is really charming and smart, but he’s also down-to-earth and very attractive, which wasn’t an issue until recently. I’ve worked at the same hospital for 3 years now, but lately I feel a crush developing, even though I’m happily married and so is he.

Nothing will ever happen between us because I would never cheat on my husband, but sometimes I think he gives me extra attention or notices my newest haircut when he doesn’t do that with other people. I will admit that I go out of my way to look more attractive, yet professional on days when I know we’ll be working closely together or have a meeting, which is crazy. I need to know how I get over this.

Dear "Crush,"

In our intense, closely-knit work environments, this dilemma is probably more common than we think. Recognize that we often spend more time with our work colleagues than we do with our spouses and family! And, counter to popular myth, people can get crushes on others even when they are in another happy relationship. Attraction to a coworker is not unusual or lethal, but it does need to be dealt with to prevent potential misunderstandings or future distress. Nothing can wreck havoc in a workplace more thoroughly than office romance, so please face up to what is happening and make a conscious decision to keep it from happening.

You state you have no intention of cheating, so that's your starting point. The key is to admit you are attracted to this coworker and that you need to make some decisions about how best to handle the escalating feelings before you feel compelled to act on them. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can ignore the implications of acting, even slight way, on these feelings. Any step in that direction is like throwing kindling on a fire, and fires have a way of getting quickly out of control!

Now that you recognize that your "crush" is normal...it's time to ask yourself some difficult questions. Your answers to these questions will help guide you to take appropriate and helpful action.

1. What may be going on in your home life that may be making you vulnerable to another's attention? (Figure out how to deal with the home issue rather than distract yourself with your work "crush.")

2. How might you make use of this newly awakened sense of attractiveness to reconnect with your husband or partner? (Put the same effort into dressing, or looking attractive for your partner and make sure to call attention to it! Sometimes we need to wake up those we live with!)

3. What is it about this veterinarian that attracts you? Can you name the qualities that drew you in? (Attempt to see them as qualities of a good doctor and a good employer, rather than a potential romantic interest. If he's got a family or a partner, imagine these qualities that attract you being the very things that his partner/family love in him. Imagine him with his loving family.)

4. How are your responses to his actions feeding this developing attraction? (Be honest, be thoughtful , and STOP doing whatever it is you realize you are doing to perpetuate this interaction.)

5. Most importantly; what is your vision for how you think this attraction needs to end? (Don't daydream about potential rendezvous or meetings, as we tend to end up where we aim. If you want this attraction to end without repercussions, and to die a natural death, imagine that very thing happening. Work to visualize yourself back in a calm, professional working relationship with this coworker.)

Reinvest all of this newfound energy on something that will build up and reinforce your current relationship. I think it is imperative that we all recognize that "love" is a verb, not always a noun. We have to actively love the person we've decided to spend our lives with to get over these kinds of distractions.

Given your note, I suspect you have enjoyed this interesting fantasy, but you really don't want it to interfere with your career, your marriage or your life. Correct? Then, it is important to act accordingly. Don't give in to urges to keep this attraction alive. Recognize the impulses to do so, but make a conscious choice to not follow them. Once you actually make the decision to not pursue your feelings, you will probably find them dwindling.

Regards,

Dr. Ruby

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